It hit me today when I was driving home from work. I want to be in love.
What an unexpected revelation. Today was just like any other school day for me. A Monday. Up at 6:10am (too early for me), outside on duty to make sure the kids survive to see another day of classes, and a full day of teaching and grading. Then suddenly the thought settled on me, like sunlight warming my skin. I want to be in love.
How odd that weeks after the Valentine’s Day craze, when I could have cared less about being in love, that suddenly there is something in me….that is ready. I had not seen any hand holding couples, or watched previews from movies like “The Vow”. Without warning, this feeling snuck up and tapped me on the shoulder. Remember when you felt me? I’m that ping of excitement when you hear his voice. That connection when you talk to him on the phone for hours, and never run out of things to say. I want to be in love.
Yes, I have gone out on several dates since my break up this last fall. Several of those men were interested in spending more time with me. Yet, I just wasn’t feeling that desire. You know, to really put myself out there. To make that concentrated and deliberate effort to try to get to know someone. My attempts were halfhearted at best. I was going through the motions. Thoughts of sunset walks were replaced with preparations for radio interviews. Notions of romantic dinners were overthrown by the desire to work on my next novel.
So why now?
Recently I have been reminiscing about the time when I was so in love with one man that I felt as if I couldn’t live without him. When the moment came where I was forced to cut off all contact, (long, complicated story) I was skeptical that the type of connection I felt with him could even be replaced.
Part of me still wants to look him up, and see where he is now. The other part, the part holding onto my dignity for dear life, recognizes that I am not that hard to find, if he missed me.
So, I think I want to be in love. Don’t misunderstand me. I am not just looking for just any relationship, but that one that fits me like my go to, favorite pair of jeans.
They say that love usually sneaks up on you when you least expect it. So I guess this is where I turn away, and pretend I don’t see it coming.